There is a common saying, “Everything happens for a reason.”
It’s often something people say to others to ease their discomfort and/or provide reassurance to someone who is struggling. This bad time in your life is all a part of the plan, this was meant to happen so that good things can happen to you later.
Personally, I used to love this saying, I lived by it, and it was something I used to tell myself all the time.
It wasn’t until I began to reflect on the struggles I have been through in my life, that I realized I was frequently dismissing myself by saying “Well it must have happened for a reason.”
Not only that, I thought of horrible things going on around the world, and suddenly, I could not find it in myself to say that it happened for a reason.
If one of your close friends was grieving the loss of someone, I’m sure you would be validating and tell them you’re there for them; you probably wouldn’t say “Well, you know, everything happens for a reason.”
And of course this mantra was likely created to comfort people, to comfort yourself, that good times are coming. Oftentimes this saying is reassuring and can give someone hope, and I don’t want to discourage that. I admire the intention behind it, but I have another perspective that may make a big difference in how you view hard times in life.
An Alternate Perspective
I believe the best way to treat yourself with kindness during hard times, is to acknowledge the pain that you are going through. To say to yourself “You know what, this sucks and I am really hurting right now.” Along with acknowledging the specific emotions that come up “I was not planning to feel like this, and now I feel disappointed, hurt, insecure, vulnerable, frustrated, etc.”
This is the act of sitting with your emotions, both good and bad. It is you being your most authentic self.
It’s about sitting with that hard time in your life and saying “That should not have happened to me, I did not deserve that, period.”
By doing this, not only is it acknowledging the hardship, but it’s validating that younger version of yourself that went through it, that you hear them, and what they went through was complex, exhausting, and real.
The Importance of Self-Empathy
It may help to think of it as empathizing with your past/current self, rather than only sympathizing with your feelings. Being empathetic towards yourself is the process of intentionally listening to your feelings/emotions, without judgement, and accepting them as they are. Sympathy lacks the understanding part. The act of sympathizing with yourself can look like rushing to try and make a situation seem more positive, with the intention of helping you sit with it better. However, this removes the part where you actually sit with how heartbreaking this thing was for you.
Picture this:
You have completed 2 years of your undergraduate program. However, after many sleepless nights and issues with your mental health, you ultimately decided to drop out of school. Years later, you are reflecting on your time spent in university.
Self-Dismissing: “I should have just stuck it out and finished my degree. I wasted two years of my life that I won’t get back.”
Self-Sympathizing: “I know it was a hard time but at least I finished high school, and I was a good student before my mental health struggles. I also ended up meeting my boyfriend after I moved back home.”
Self-Empathizing: “I was young and had never experienced life away from home. All I wanted was a fresh start, and to meet friends that I would have for a lifetime. Instead, I was faced with so many decisions and unexpected triggers. I felt overwhelmed, disappointed, and pressured to start over somewhere else. Instead of trying to push through my last two years of undergrad, I made a difficult decision to do exactly what I needed at the time.”
Accepting this reality highlights that you can not rush through the bad times to get to the good times, you can’t hide from pain. And although it can be incredibly scary to even think about sitting with your sadness, it can also be incredibly liberating.
When you sit with your emotions, when you hear yourself out, you become that validating person for yourself. Suddenly you’re able to work through hard feelings quicker and easier, and it no longer comes up as often.
Sitting with your emotions helps you be closer to your most authentic self. The truth is, all versions of yourself deserve to be validated, because you are enough, and your experiences are valid.
