I feel very fortunate for having a strong support system and constants in my life. I work full-time, have a loving partner, and enjoy a close-knit relationship with my family. However, these very connections sometimes make me feel overwhelmed. I struggled with saying “no,” speaking up for myself, and setting healthy boundaries.
For years, I was the go-to person for everything. Need a volunteer for an extra project at work? I was your guy. Need help moving on the weekend? Sure, I’ll be there. Family gathering planned last minute? I’ll rearrange my schedule. This people-pleasing habit, while making others happy, left me drained and resentful.
Understanding how to establish healthy boundaries has been a journey to say the least, and I hope sharing my experiences can help others who face similar struggles.
Getting Comfortable Saying “No”
If you’re anything like I was, the thought of saying “no” probably feels like a high-stakes gamble. Would your family feel rejected? Would your friends think you’re unreliable? Would your partner feel unloved? These anxiety-inducing questions would take over, and I felt it was easier to be agreeable which led to a pattern of over-commitment and, eventually, burnout.
It wasn’t until I started feeling a constant state of exhaustion and irritability that I realized something had to change. My therapist helped me understand that my inability to set boundaries stemmed from a deep-seated fear of disappointing others. We worked on ways to integrate “no” in my vocabulary and worked together to identify my needs and to practice asserting them without guilt.
Understanding Boundaries
The first step in setting healthy boundaries is understanding what they are. Boundaries are limits that define acceptable behavior in our relationships and activities. They can be physical, emotional, mental, or time-related. Here are some common types of boundaries:
- Physical Boundaries: These involve personal space and physical touch.
- Emotional Boundaries: These protect your emotional well-being and prevent emotional manipulation.
- Mental Boundaries: These pertain to your thoughts, values, and opinions.
- Time Boundaries: These involve how you allocate your time between various commitments.
Setting Boundaries with Family
Family dynamics can be tricky, especially when you’re close. My family, bless them, can sometimes be overbearing. They mean well, but their frequent unannounced visits and unsolicited advice often left me feeling smothered. Missing out on family events was a big no-no in my house.
Through therapy, I learned to communicate my needs clearly and compassionately. I started with small steps. For instance, I established a rule that unplanned visits should be avoided unless it’s an emergency. I explained to them that while I love spending time together, I also need time to recharge and that I needed time to tidy up my space so I could host them comfortably.
One practical tip my therapist gave me was to use “I” statements to express my feelings and needs without sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You always show up unannounced,” I would say, “I feel overwhelmed when visits are not planned in advance. Can we schedule them so I can be fully present when we’re together? I just need a day to make sure my home is ready for visits, and I don’t have anything else on my plate.” This was received well, and we’re now in a rhythm where I’m able to be more present, and they feel like I made time and space for them.
Setting Boundaries at Work
Work was an area where my inability to set boundaries led to significant stress. I often found myself taking on additional tasks to avoid disappointing my colleagues or bosses, leading to late nights and a growing sense of resentment.
Initially, I struggled with saying “no” to extra work and often stayed late to complete these tasks. One particular incident stands out. My boss asked me to take on a project that was not only outside my job description but also had a tight deadline. Wanting to be seen as a team player, I reluctantly agreed. As a result, I was overwhelmed and ended up making mistakes in my primary responsibilities, which led to an uncomfortable conversation with my boss. I got the “you should have said no” speech which made me quite upset at the time. Setting boundaries is a two-way street and both my boss and I knew that saying no wasn’t necessarily an option as we got into the habit of me always saying “yes”. Up until this point, they hadn’t checked in to see if I was overwhelmed with the extra work, nor did they ever say “you shouldn’t have to do this, I’ll ask someone else,” so when they said I could have said no, it felt like a slap in the face. I knew I had to change my habits and set boundaries before this would happen again.
The next time they asked me to take on more work, I said, “My workload this week is full and I have some hard deadlines I need to meet, so unfortunately I won’t be able to. Can we revisit this next week, or is there someone else who can support you on this?” They told me no worries and we took it on a few weeks later. Sometimes an “urgent” task isn’t so urgent and you can take the time to prioritize. I understand that sometimes with work it’s not as easy as saying no, but this is just my experience.
My therapist helped me understand that setting boundaries at work is crucial for maintaining a healthy work-life balance and avoid burnout. We worked on strategies like:
- Prioritizing Tasks: Learning to distinguish between urgent and important tasks helped me manage my workload better.
- Communicating Clearly: I practiced polite but firm ways to decline additional tasks. For example, “I’d love to help, but I don’t have time right now and I don’t have that much experience doing this kind of work. Is there someone more equipped to take this on?”
- Brushing off the anxiety after saying “no”: It’s never easy saying “no” and getting a disappointed remark or look. When I started putting my foot down, I felt so anxious about the aftermath, and my therapist helped me understand that I can’t control how people react, but how I feel after I’ve set my boundaries.
Setting Boundaries in Romantic Relationships
With my partner, setting boundaries was a delicate dance. Our relationship is built on support and mutual respect, but there were times when I felt the need to assert my personal space and time without causing hurt. We live together in a small space so we’re constantly in each other’s vicinity which is wonderful but sometimes, I need time for myself.
Open and honest communication was key. I shared my feelings and the reasons behind my need for personal time. They also felt like they needed this which was a great relief! We agreed on dedicating specific times for ourselves, such as solo hobbies or quiet reading time, which allowed us to recharge individually. This practice not only strengthened our relationship but also fostered a deeper understanding and respect for each other’s needs.
The Reward of Healthy Boundaries
Setting and maintaining boundaries has been a game-changer for me. I now have more time for self-care, feel less stressed, and have better relationships. It wasn’t an easy journey, and there were moments of doubt and pushback, but the rewards have been worth it.
One of the most surprising outcomes was the positive impact on my relationships. Initially, I feared that setting boundaries would strain my relationships, but the opposite happened. My family, friends, and colleagues began to respect my time and needs more, leading to more meaningful and less stressful interactions.
Practical Tips for Setting and Maintaining Boundaries
Working with a therapist was extremely rewarding, but I understand that access to one can be a challenge. I no longer see my therapist due to financial reasons, but wanted to pass along some tidbits I learned along the way, and how I’ve been continuing this work on my own. Here are some tips:
- Self-Awareness: Understanding your own needs and limits is the first step. Reflect on situations that make you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed and identify the common factors. I wrote a list (that’s always growing) to help me reflect on boundaries I’m maintaining as well as new ones I should establish.
- Clear Communication: Use assertive communication to express your needs. Remember, being assertive doesn’t mean being aggressive. It’s about being clear and respectful. Sometimes just saying “I can’t, sorry” is enough, but other times I need to elaborate to help both myself and others understand where I’m coming from.
- Start Small: Begin with setting small boundaries in less critical areas of your life. This will build your confidence and make it easier to address more significant issues. For example, If you’re feeling like having a quiet night in, and your friends are asking you to go out, try saying “I’m exhausted, raincheck?”
- Be Consistent: Consistency is key to maintaining boundaries. There might be times where you accept a breach which is fine, but if you let things slide too often, it can send mixed signals to others about your limits and get you back to square one.
- Seek Support: Whether it’s through therapy, support groups, or friends who understand, having a support system can provide encouragement and accountability. I’ve talked with friends about my boundary work, and some of them have started doing the same and we’ve established a language of respect which makes saying “no” a lot easier.
- Practice Self-Care: Setting boundaries is a form of self-care. Ensure you’re taking time to rest, pursue your interests, and care for your mental and physical health.
Setting healthy boundaries is not about building walls; it’s about creating a space where you can thrive while maintaining healthy relationships. It’s about finding a balance between meeting your own needs and being there for others. It’s about learning to say “no” without guilt and “yes” without resentment.
Remember, it’s a process, and it’s okay to take small steps.
